Maine Man Arrested for Drunken Driving Kicks Doctor in the Junk

There is a distinct possibility that you are an alcoholic if hittin-the-bottle has ever caused you to either wreck your car or rack your doctor. Come to think of it, kicking a doctor in the balls doesn’t necessarily make you an alcoholic, but it definitely ranks you somewhere in between - as Roman Moronie would say - a fargin-sneaky-bastage and a fargin-ice-hole.

Nevertheless, that is exactly what Maine police say that were forced to deal with over the weekend. According to reports, 36-year-old Shane Gurney went on a rabid booze bender on Saturday afternoon that ultimately caused him to lose control of his truck and crash it like a boss, in a sloppy ditch.

Police were dispatched to the accident where they found Gurney throwing a wild-eyed tantrum outside his pickup truck while bleeding profusely from his forehead. However, it wasn’t until deputies caught a whiff of his booze breath that they decided to lock the culprit up for drunken driving, but not without first taking him to a nearby hospital for medical attention, of course.

Yet, they may have been better off taking him to a local animal shelter to be put down like a bad dog. That’s because officers say that once they got him to the hospital, not only did they have to put him in restraints, but Gurney also started spitting blood all over emergency room staff and even kicked one of the physicians in the family jewels.

Incidentally, Gurney was taken to a local jail where he was charged with operating under the influence and assault on an emergency care professional. We have a feeling that a judge will soon be showing Mr. Gurney exactly what a real kick in the nuts feels like.