Shortage Leads to “Black Market Velveeta” [Fake News]
If you haven't heard about the current Velveeta shortage you're either a vegan or a communist. The golden American delicacy, often served at gatherings centered around ritual violence, has recently hit hard times leaving consumers to create their own version of the "liquid gold".
Kraft Foods, the maker of Velveeta, has reached out to the public through social media and announced the shortage is in fact true and not just a ploy to increase sales.
As a result of the shortage, store shelves are left only with cans of spray cheese, slices of American cheese, cheese puffs, and cheese sticks to help fill the void.
Consumers of the golden goo have had to find alternatives for a "Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product" fix. Some have even sought to cooking their own cheese flavored slurry, which experts refer to as PPCP.
Mobile PPCP labs have begun popping up around the U.S. creating a network of black market Velveeta.
PPCP users have moved on from using it as a dip or topping--to snorting the "liquid gold" and occasionally injecting it directly into their veins.
Medical professionals have issued a warning to the general public "The use of PPCP can lead to blindness, twitching, uncontrollable diarrhea and voting republican." They do admit however the side effects of PPCP happen to match the usual results of consuming Velveeta.
Street value for just a half a brick of PPCP starts at 5 dollars all the way up to 3 copies of the critically acclaimed film 'Avatar'.
Authorities have ramped up efforts seeking out the illegal Velveeta knockoff and have begun crashing back room fondue parties.
If you know someone who's using PPCP call your local police department.